This week, I met a coach named Ian Maxwell, and I was telling him my story of “my big wakeup.”
For those of you who don’t know me very well or for very long, the story goes that around the time of 2017, I was burning my life to the ground.
*if you’ve heard this story, just skip ahead to the next headline
I was smoking about a pack a day, overweight, drank to excess every night, and was unable to create new career opportunities for myself despite having a master’s degree from an Ivy League school and being… somewhat intelligent.
I had created a relationship with a man who lived in another state. He was married when I met him, and very shortly after that, he wasn’t married anymore. Then, we were together, and for me, “This was the thing that was going to solve everything!”
I thought at the time that if I couldn’t inwardly create my happiness, someone else was going to give it to me. Someone else, by making me their whole world.
Spoiler: that didn’t happen.
What was a relationship of fun quickly turned into a nightmare. We drank a lot. We partied. I won’t speak for him, but I had a lot of unresolved crap, and it came to the surface pretty damn quickly.
It all culminated in a night in January of 2018 when I was visiting him. We had a big fight, explosive, and he drove me to the airport in the middle of the night when I didn’t have a flight home, left me there, blocked my phone number, went home, and went to bed.
…
That was awful.
Of course, I still was in a victim state through most of the night, sitting in the cold, dark, Pre-TSA part of the airport. I spent time calling friends in New York (who were still awake because we were in the service industry and kept nighttime hours) complaining, crying, smoking, puking…, and sending excessive texts that weren’t responded to. Pacing.
It wasn’t until the next morning that it happened.
I was sitting at the gate (I secured a flight for myself for 8:00 am), and a woman sitting across from me, noticing my state of disarray, puffy eyes, and disheveled appearance, asked me, “Are you OK?”
And I screamed at her.
“YEAH! I’M FINE!”
And in that moment, I had “the big wakeup.” The split second of second sight where the deep knowing came into my consciousness:
“Oh my God. I’ve created all of this.”
It was not a subtle awareness. It was a knowing. That knowing was “I have created everything in my life.” I mean, it was like those people who have NDEs and get a “life review.” It didn’t happen in a chronology, but it was a sure awareness that everything in my life experience was created by me.
I got on the plane with that knowing.
A few days later, my friend Christine sent me a message. She knew I’d been struggling with my health for a while and about the situation with the airport.
The message was about joining something called the “Whole Life Challenge,” a health and wellness game focused on seven daily habits every day for six weeks.
It was about to start, and it cost $49.
Of course, my ego— the first thing I thought was, “I’m not doing that. I don’t want to pay to do shit that I can just do myself.”
But then I remembered the airport and the knowing “I created all of this.”
I realized that if I wanted a different life, I had to make a different choice.
That choice changed my entire life.
The reason I was telling Ian the story is because he asked how I got into coaching.
Well, that “challenge” was co-created by a man named
. I became aware of him because my friend JoAnna told me during our first challenge, “I do the living room workouts! There’s a guy who does them!”I found this guy, Andy, and I watched the workouts. I even did some of them on days I didn’t run. (As a runner I generally hate other exercise. 🤣)
I thought he was captivating, and his dedication and commitment inspired me. He was also strong—so strong.
I started following him on Instragram.
Well, in 2019, Andy started posting very different stuff. It was deep and spiritual.
By then, I’d quit smoking, lost over 50 lbs, ran a few marathons, and I was ready for the next level.
I could not stop watching the stuff he was saying. I tell people “I was in love.”
It wasn’t romantic love, but it was love.
I said “I don’t care what I have to do. I will do absolutely anything for this stranger on the other side of the country to know who the hell I am. He must know me. He must!”
Well, my stalking finally paid off because in 2020, Andy gifted me some coaching that just broke my brain right open. I was angry. I cried. I was joyful. I was sad. I was empowered. I felt like I could simultaneously change the world and destroy it in one touch of my finger. I felt more powerful after that call than any call I’ve ever had… with anyone. (Did I mention I was angry? Change requires an injury to your ego.)
Andy is a professional coach, and one of the best. He was the door that opened every door.
I could tell you every door that opened since that day, since that moment, but what I want to land here is the point that to create a different life, you MUST make a different choice.
You must.
It’s a non-negotiable.
When talking to Ian, after the story, he shared that when I was telling it, he was reminded of the Seinfeld episode where George Costanza decides that he’s just going to do the opposite of everything he typically does.
There’s this scene where he walks up to an attractive woman, and instead of putting it on he says:
“My name is George. I’m unemployed, and I live with my parents.”
The woman looks at him adoringly and says, “I’m Victoria. Hi!”
After reading this, what different choice will you make today?
Reply to this and let me know.
Stay beautiful.
I just adore you and your writing, so good 🤗
The choice that’s coming up for me is something you and I have talked about, which is accepting ALL parts of me instead of looking upon certain parts with shame.
I’ve been engaging in this since we met and it has made such a difference, but I bring it up here as a way to continue making the choice (because it’s still newish to me).
This is soooooo good!