This week, I had to attend to a somewhat unpleasant obligation.
I intellectually prepared for it for a few weeks, but this engagement has occupied hours of my waking life for months. I was prepared to the degree I could be, and when the engagement commenced, it seemed like everything was on track to go smoothly.
I spoke and professionally advocated for myself, and then I received a curious response from what I’ll describe as an authority figure. I couldn’t discern why she was approaching me with vitriol. It was odd, considering I had spoken eloquently and respectfully.
Despite her acidic undertones, I received the outcome that was most favorable for me in the moment. But I was still curious— why did that occur?
On my way to leave, someone (who I had met before) gave me a bit of encouragement, to which I said, “I don’t understand what happened.”
“She wasn’t even listening to you,” she said.
Wasn’t. Even. Listening.
My well-prepared and articulated statements, along with the occupation of my time and expansion of knowledge, were for naught. That person was never going to listen to me because I made a choice move that favored efficiency instead of “a defined process.”
In essence, there was a social structure; I was unaware of it, and I made an egregious social faux pas.
I fell back into my lifelong misunderstanding and subsequent questioning of “Why the fuck are we doing it this way?”
As I said to a friend yesterday, I often feel like a visitor here.
I’m visiting, and I don’t understand the systems.
I think that started in first grade, when I was given a quiz and, after a number of quizzes, decided that filling in the answers was useless. Why did I have to expend effort to write answers if I knew what the answers were? What was the purpose to the activity?
More frustratingly was that nobody could give me an answer.
I still don’t quite understand monogamy. I’m not really up-to-speed on our monetary values or why we value what we do. I don’t get religion. I’m VERY unsure why there are drug commercials on TV.
I get the purpose of institutions, and I see limited value in them, but every time an institution has a person acting out of anything but love, it confuses me.
Like the woman I mentioned at the beginning of this piece. She had a purely egoic response to me within the bureaucracy of her system, and she didn’t like that I was disrespecting a social structure I didn’t know anything about.
She doesn’t know me. She thinks I’m just some fleshy body walking in and demanding to be heard. I didn’t think of any of that. She’s a human. I’m a human. I didn’t see the issue. I have full acceptance of myself as equal, but the systems of society are based on “hierarchy.”
…very odd.
I worked in the service industry for most of my life, so it doesn’t really matter what someone is or isn’t— you just approach them with as much care and love as possible, so long as the respect remains mutual.
Tao #32 says:
“When you have institutions,
know where their functions should end.
Knowing when to stop,
you can avoid any danger.All things end in the Tao
as rivers flow into the sea.”
Know when their functions should end…
I was expressing my distaste of the systems to my mother this week, and her response was the one she’s been giving for three+ decades: this is how it is and this is what you have to do.
I come from very regimented people who believe there is one reality, and that’s it. When I was young, the knowledge that reality is negotiable subtly tugged at me as fantasy. Now, after living for a few decades, I have proper evidence that it is so.
I contend it’s all bullshit.
Much like we have evolved out of slavery and conversion therapy, I believe humanity can evolve out of the systems that glorify some and objectify others.
As a “visitor,” the places that make the most sense to me are third spaces.
In my life, I’ve cared for third spaces above all else because they are the one arena where humans are raw and beautiful without required pretense.
There’s no “corporate persona” involved.
As I get deeper into “coaching,” for however long I decide to do this, I notice that those who come from a corporate background are giddy with delight about exploring the inner worlds of themselves and others. Those of us who have been the keeper or tender to a third space just see that as “Tuesday.”
Lately, I’ve spent my afternoons at a cafe on my street, and while I sit there, usually silent, I notice something beautiful— the traversing of footsteps.
They have hardwood floors with a clear wornness—the places where boots walk in and out, in and out, again and again. Boots, walking, subtly wearing the wood, one granule at a time.
Sometimes, the music is just so, and each boot seems to step with it synchronously. I can’t think of anything that matters more to me than watching this parade.
Sometimes, it mesmerizes me for an hour, the comings, the goings.
I jot down words, words about what I see— third place energy and how the humans make love inside of it.
“She’s so pretty, holding that little one.”
“He’s so beautiful. I love how he looks.”
“Worn, wood floors. Patchouli oil scent.”
When I’m there in that simplicity, I see the meaning of all life.
I think it’s time we shift our systems. They’re barbaric in nature in many ways, and they sway people from their form, fit, and function in favor of simply… acquiring enough to eat. It’s very odd.
I think in many ways, my mission, and function, is to simply continue to advocate for taking a closer look at “why the hell are we doing this?”
When everyone just wants to love and be loved, why have we created all of this extra crap?
I believe in the next few years, as AI creates its redundancies, a few things will be gifted to us:
People will be forced to go inside rather than seek outwardly. Years ago, I noticed what I call the “Instagram effect.” The more “beautiful places” people had access to seeing on a daily basis, the less intrigued they were in awe.
That evolved into a self-made fandom of independent theatrics, where humans began being less present in their moments to curate ones for others. I wrote about this phenomenon in my piece “Knock on Wood We All Stay Good.”Everything will lose value, but in the best possible way. I write and my writing will have no more value than anything generated by a computer, but, I will still write, because that is my function in the world. That will be the beauty in it all— when you can’t “keep up” or “get ahead,” play the game the way the former rules structured it, you’ll just do what you do because that’s what you do.
(This is very akin to the concept of Karma Yoga in the Bhagavad Gita)We will place an enormous emphasis on third spaces: restaurants, bars, and coffee shops. Because that’s where we innately know how to love.
When I’m in moments where I can’t find the light in anything, returning to love is always how I can bring myself out of it.
I wonder how we lost that as the core functionality of our systems… or if we ever had it.
Things to explore…
Stay beautiful.
Andee
Institutions are a top of mind topic for me. Many people define themselves by the institutions (groups, companies, family, etc) they attach themselves to. But they can be constraining too.
I want to be known for my name only, my individuality, not for the institutions I at times participate in.
I also don’t want to outsource my power to institutions. Like what can I do to change the situation, instead of waiting for an institution to handle it. To be a force of nature as an individual, on par with or greater than the institution.
Your 'visiting' comment reminded me of a song by the late Larry Norman, Readers Digest. Here's a portion.
And everybody has to choose whether they will win or lose
Follow God or sing the blues, and who they're gonna sin with
What a mess the world is in, I wonder who began it
Don't ask me, I'm only visiting this planet.
...This world is not my home. I'm just...passing...through.